My Life In A Capsule

In November 1998, I had my first reunion as an adult with my biological mother. I was kind of apprehensive, and didn't really know what to say to her. So I decided to share my life, all the years she missed with me and her mother and step-father (my adoptive parents), with a poem that I wanted to present her when I met her. What was interesting about this poem was that it just came out of me...all in one sitting in less than an hour, and I never ended up having to change a single word. This is the longest poem I have ever written and I intended to create images of the most important incidents I remembered that had happened sequentially in my life to the day I met her, as if we were pulling them out of a "time capsule." It was also a "capsule" in the sense of a pill, compressing a lot of things into something small. In the original poem on paper, the sentences and words themselves are carefully placed to add another dimension I cannot create on this site. For example, as I talk about my excitement as a child on the merry go round, the words themselves flow in a continuous circle to convey the aspects of childhood joy. As I fantasize about being Superman, each sentence extends beyond the next to convey the aspects of childhood wonder, reaching for the skies. By using a "poetic rift" in the last line of each section joining the previous segment to the next segment, the poem is broken into major segments of my life - infancy, childhood, gradeschool, junior high, high school, college and adulthood.

My Life In A Capsule

Hopeful but anxious
I lift a prayer
High above the earth
my heart beats hard
not knowing what may come
constrained by years of hurt
mistrust
and pain.

Where were you
when your mother ached
and your baby cried?

Memories lost, you never knew
all the joy, love, and hope
God wanted for you.

Where were you
when your child
with pail in hand
walked to school
and played in the sand?
for the very first time
got an A
and big gold stars were my prize.

Smile on my face
scab on my knee
riding my bike (without training wheels)
hands free!

Can you see me
playing Superman?
Cape flying,
believing. . .I was
soaring through the skies.

Watch me come home one day
shy smile, smitten
with the girl next door.

Other days, tears may fall
wiped away with cookies and milk
(fight in the playground - ego bruised more than skin).

Laughing hard, I spin
Up
and
down

round
and
round

Like a merry go round

with Mickey, Donald, and Pluto
and Snoopy too (my favorite friend) -
G.I. Joe and Big Jim.
Forts made of sheets
constructed by dreams
saving the world
in afternoons of T.V.
but couldn't make
the basketball team.

Drums in hand, wasn't so good
but in the choir I stood
and your mother was proud
as I sang aloud.
But even those drums came to use
as the "Little Drummer Boy" beat his tune
to the mountain church on Christmas noon.

Class play - the little "star"
belt out his words as if for the Bard.

Scored a goal for the soccer team,
my heart, exhilerated beyond belief,
leaped further than the ball's reach.
I heard the band play "Hail to the Chief"...

Campaign promises for School Prez
"Vote Special K" the stickers read.
Though I lost, I learned dreams egin
by following one's heart
and facing the fears
going forward
not backward through the years
even if knocked down again.

Insecure I was, shy and scared
ashamed of nothing but my ears
God's plan for me made me see
in this weakness comes humility
to keep me grounded on my feet
with each success I meet.

Walking down the aisle, diploma in hand
Valedictorian speech - Mom and Dad I thanked
Everything they gave - love
sacrifice
and belief
in all my dreams, unconditionally.
Then we parted...for college, life new

Empty nest
College dorm
Alone. . .not sure
Four in a room
Freedom to choose
what to do and not to do.

You never heard of my first kiss
on a rocky crag along Dublin's green,
Sun rising from the Irish sea.

You never saw the autumn leaves
orange from green
blowing like melancholy through the breeze
as my professor, in glasses thin
marvelled at the organization of trees.

Years of study - a hard price
Summa cum laude! I was surprised
how fast the years went by
many things learned, precious things lost. . .

On the bed, I saw him lay
hands outstretched, a cross dad made
Lech Waleza on the screen
"What significance does this mean?"
"The wall has fallen. . .new president. . ."
A tear fell down
first time he cried
then two weeks later, he died.

I remembered that Spring Day
when Dad and I went to "play"
and heard jazz in my favorite class
Oldest student in the room
"I love him so" my heart surmised
as I saw the joy of music in his eyes.

I cried out loud
and grabbed his gentleness
goodness
and kindness
from his spirit before he left
and I was thrown into a world new.

The real world, I learned
was not the same as textbooks read
or video games.

Failures, I learned
taught me more
than any successes, doublefold.

Compassion and love - integrity
are values I hold with highest esteem.
Words alone
they were not
But shown through two hearts that loved and gave
and gave
and gave
and gave, freely.

I've been shaped
by the family God made,
by the journeys taken
and by the souls He saved.

Each time I grew,
Each day made new,
Becoming the man
before you.

James Kellogg
November 20, 1998
To Elizabeth Foster